I can’t figure out what’s wrong with me. I am so pissed off with me and others. I don’t know why I am feeling so let down. The recurring phenomenon of bad dreams has started corroding my psyche. I have heard that dreams are a reflection of subconscious mind so that implies that something somewhere within is just not right. But who’s going to sort out this mess? To clean up all one has to plunge in deep shit and am not very willing to do that. I just want to forget all and let things be and am hoping that this approach works. Period!!
There are times when I turn in and start observing the perennial wave of thoughts in order to tame those. Osho calls for observation of this wave, the observation gradually subdues those and they eventually dissolve in space. This is my mind’s graph. Crests and troughs...straight line again followed by crests and troughs. Strange na!! This instability drives me insane at times, at one moment I am calm as a sea and the next instant I venture into a forest of fantasy or ride on the roller coaster ride of emotions.
What a beautiful garden our mind is!! I want to take walk, there I go :) Cya
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Life…beautiful and a bit messy: P I have almost made it to the quarter milestone of life’s my journey and I don’t know how many more such milestones are to be traversed. Shit! It’s like a simple labyrinth. I almost have all that I had wished for (or do I?), intentionally or otherwise. A job...Check and hey I so wanted to work for PwC and yes am supposedly employed by them, cool environment at work...Check, monthly pay...uhmm can say not bad! But it’s far behind my set target for this milestone. Diamonds...check plus a rider, they are not self bought. A PSP and an ipod... a big question mark! Good friends...Check! Friends for life...uhmm can’t say! Attend a close friend’s marriage...naah not yet. Movie every weekend...forget it! A nice long relaxing holiday...?? A friend to share all at workplace...CHECK! Lucky me...I literally spend my entire day with her 5 days a week! My own car...sighs!! Only in my dream. Personal growth...uhmm yes sort of. Variety in wardrobe...well yes but there’s still lots more stuff to experiment with.
My report card isn’t that bad so Hurray! Look at me! The head is full of crap and shit...see! I so used to play with words and get it all down so effortlessly. Damn! That’s a BIG red mark on my report card. Well, I had ambitions of carving a book in solitude at a nice cottage in a hilly place with a cute kitty by my side. Now, it seems that’s never ever gonna happen. Writing made me feel special and now it seems like an identity crisis to me, thanks to this writer's block. Writing was spiritual for me, I felt centered and connected. At times, I wonder whether I have lost it because of the inflating ego balloon within. I used to be so humble and now I lose my cool so easily. And very often the anger swells up and converts into tears...I so hate that moment. Later on, when I look back at those random outbursts of mine I go like ‘So stupid of me’! My god!! The last one was so...forget it!!
Here I go,stuck in the middle again. I wish there was a medicine to cure this writer’s block...Shit!