Sunday, February 21, 2010

Holding on...

My love!! I am back. A lot has changed since my last post. I have made my entry in to the corporate jungle. And what a jungle it is! The journey began with a huge set back. A dear friend who was supposed to join with me has found another calling. This further reinforced my belief that relationships are painful indeed. I am still trying to adapt and live with the other fellows. They are nice people and now I think it’s safe to call them friends. The transition from campus to corporate is not easy and so we were made to attend a number of workshops. In one of the workshops we were asked to relate ourselves to a cartoon character and I saw myself as Alice, lost in her own wonderland. Really! I feel kind of lost somewhere. I can’t locate an anchor in this tense storm. Unable to use my wings, am drifting with the strong winds. The nightmares are back to haunt me. The other day I was so frightened that I started weeping. Are the nightmares raising their ugly heads because of my own insecurities? Pooh! I am writing after such a long gap and am vomiting all crap. However, this is my only way to express and introspect.

The last two working days were the best days at the organization. We had “About Me” sessions. We played fun games and even prepared a skit. Now! I never knew that I could act. This was a revelation of sorts. I did justice to my role and got compliments too. However, I wanted to play the seducing manager but I guess I was not assertive enough to take my stand. I saw the mirror in these two days and the reflection was not at all pleasing. In team tasks, I saw myself struggling really hard to make my ideas heard. This frustrated me. I gave up. Friends saw the frustration. I don’t know why people are not willing to listen and treat others with respect. Working in teams is tougher than I had thought before. If this was the trailer, then I am not at all willing to watch the movie. During “value talks” I was choked with emotion. We were told to fill in the goal sheets and I was all blank. I went up to the trainer to clarify my problems regarding attitude goals. My query was a Googly and for a moment he was taken aback. He answered it though and the answer was a shock for me. Those words have disturbed my center of gravity.

Moreover, I believe the jaded feeling that has enveloped me these days is a part of the puzzle. I am fed up of self. This is perhaps the reason for my silly behavior. I am spending money on silly stuff, writing shit (this post) and treating my friends like dirt. I am not a loyal friend. I am unable to relate my notions to them even after their prompts neither am ears to their tribulations.They are incredibly good to me and i don't reciprocate that.

I believe I belong to the league of famous personalities like Van Gogh and Virginia Woolf :P They took their own lives out of boredom or some psychological disorders. Though, in terms of talent I am no where as of now. I have started fearing myself. A black hole is attracting me, however I am still holding on. Holding on to those who care, those who mean the world to me and the simple pleasures of life