Sunday, August 8, 2010

Futile and fruitful life

Dear Blog

Look at me! Waves of restlessness are creating havoc in mind’s abode, trembling hands, sleep disturbed by persistent nightmares and a void created by an asteroid called “ennui”. Ain’t I sick? No I’d like to believe. I am cool, mast and bindaas. I know I’ll somehow manage to sail through this storm and hit the shore. Everyone is doing it and I am equally capable. However, the BIG QUESTION is am I hitting the right shore? I don’t know whether it’s too late or too early to ask this question. They say everything in life happens for good and I realize that somewhere down the line I am living the kind of life that I had visualized years back. I somehow knew that I would eventually end up in this field and would be doing this kind of work. But now, at this stage, I apprehend that I don’t want to be doing this forever. This is not aligned with my current vision.

N number of years later I see myself as a contended person, done with all my whims and fancies, sipping in the scenic beauty of hills and living a fruitful life rather than existing selfishly. I want to be able to make a difference to the life of others in a positive way. I confess, today I am living a selfish life. I slog so as to earn. Money that I end up spending on my impulsive useless materialistic luxuries. How mean of me!! I don’t even require those things and I rarely use them, but still I purchase them in an attempt to fill up the small gaps in void. In the process, those gaps are replaced but new bigger holes are also created. I do realize that this kind of happiness is shallow and momentary. The source of perennial happiness is within me and I am yet to discover that.

It seems my mid life crisis has hit me in the first half. At times, I get this feeling that I am living a worthless and a futile life. I am not useful to anyone at all, so why not end it. I want to meet my grandparents and my mama up above. But then the emotional ties stop me. I don’t want to be a source of pain and agony to all those who cherish me.

I know this is a passing phase and tomorrow shall bring new surprises with it. So sorry my dear blog, I am writing all crap out here. But then you are one of those who has silently stood up to me in dark phases and I can see the reflection of my past in you.
Love you :)