Sunday, August 8, 2010

Futile and fruitful life

Dear Blog

Look at me! Waves of restlessness are creating havoc in mind’s abode, trembling hands, sleep disturbed by persistent nightmares and a void created by an asteroid called “ennui”. Ain’t I sick? No I’d like to believe. I am cool, mast and bindaas. I know I’ll somehow manage to sail through this storm and hit the shore. Everyone is doing it and I am equally capable. However, the BIG QUESTION is am I hitting the right shore? I don’t know whether it’s too late or too early to ask this question. They say everything in life happens for good and I realize that somewhere down the line I am living the kind of life that I had visualized years back. I somehow knew that I would eventually end up in this field and would be doing this kind of work. But now, at this stage, I apprehend that I don’t want to be doing this forever. This is not aligned with my current vision.

N number of years later I see myself as a contended person, done with all my whims and fancies, sipping in the scenic beauty of hills and living a fruitful life rather than existing selfishly. I want to be able to make a difference to the life of others in a positive way. I confess, today I am living a selfish life. I slog so as to earn. Money that I end up spending on my impulsive useless materialistic luxuries. How mean of me!! I don’t even require those things and I rarely use them, but still I purchase them in an attempt to fill up the small gaps in void. In the process, those gaps are replaced but new bigger holes are also created. I do realize that this kind of happiness is shallow and momentary. The source of perennial happiness is within me and I am yet to discover that.

It seems my mid life crisis has hit me in the first half. At times, I get this feeling that I am living a worthless and a futile life. I am not useful to anyone at all, so why not end it. I want to meet my grandparents and my mama up above. But then the emotional ties stop me. I don’t want to be a source of pain and agony to all those who cherish me.

I know this is a passing phase and tomorrow shall bring new surprises with it. So sorry my dear blog, I am writing all crap out here. But then you are one of those who has silently stood up to me in dark phases and I can see the reflection of my past in you.
Love you :)

1 comment:

~*~Insomnia Prevails~*~ said...

Its okay with feel this way. Like you said this phase will pass soon. Life is transitory therefore you will be experiencing something different soon.

P.s. you probably know all that already but I really hope that things stay good at your end!